Salmon Families Week 1: Living Vicariously

Salmon Families

Week 1:  Living Vicariously

Vicariously is the adverb form of the word vicarious, which also involves experiencing something through another person.  This is the definition provided by www.vocabulary.com.  In our current American culture there is a tremendous amount of vicarious living going on within our families.

This problem seems to be growing more and more as time passes.  Who among us hasn’t seen the dad who drives his son to be “the best” at every sport when it neither fits the child’s interests nor abilities.  Often this dad is trying to push his progeny to be something that he himself was unable to be in his own youth, thus living vicariously through the child.  It is not exclusive to the men of the family either, how many of you know an extreme pageant, cheer, or dance mom? Sometimes it involves music, for others it may be academics, but in the end the one that is most often “gaining” from the experience is the parent.

But are they gaining?  Often they are not only imparting undue stress upon the child but carrying a high level of stress in themselves as well.  I know as a former youth baseball coach that many parents are unable to enjoy the game because of their overwhelming “need” to control or critique every aspect of their child’s performance, while simultaneously creating excuses for any perceived underachievement or injustice.

It is difficult to swim against this flow, as it seems to be expected behavior.  In most cases this push to make our kids what we want them to be does not honor their God-given gifts, or their independently developed interests.  I am not proposing that we totally step back and let our children float through life seeking out whatever feels good to them, but rather to help them find the best outlets for their interest and ability within the character limits that would lead them toward success.  As the author Andy Andrews has said, “our goal is not to raise good kids, but to raise our kids to be great, responsible adults.”  

Another aspect of this vicarious upstream swim is “keeping up with the Joneses”.  Many of our families also fail to set out with any idea as to what their family stands for or represents.  A good number of our families today set the neighbors or the family from television as their role models based solely upon appearances.  Have you ever heard the phrase, looks can be deceiving?  That is far too often the case with these other families who show us only what they want to be seen, hiding and/or denying the skeletons that may be hiding in the closet or the troubles that are active behind the scenes.

I urge you to continue the fight.  Swim upstream, chart your course with integrity.  Don’t follow the course that our culture is throwing at you.  Know what you believe in, set the limits of cultural influence and determine what is important for you and for the future of your children.  The more we take time to share important moments and thoughts with our kids the better chance we will have for them to make it successfully upstream.  The salmon swim upstream to spawn a new generation, for those that make it the reward is theirs.  In our families when we make it we spawn another generation of well adjusted, responsible adults.  The trip is often troublesome; and for us it requires attention, strength, courage, discipline, and patience.  Each of these are worthy character traits to model and instill in our kids.

One final piece of this puzzle is the concept of teachable moments.  If we are constantly trying to be another family, and not our own, then we will miss a lot of teachable moments.  These times are some of the most critical times to convey essential realities that our kids will need as they grow into mature adults and begin making decisions for themselves.  This is principle is one that has been around a long time as we see it recorded in the book of Deuteronomy:

“And these words which I command you today

Shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently

To your children, and shall talk of them when you

Sit in your house, when you walk

By the way, when you lie down,

And when you rise up.  You shall bind

Them as a sign on your hand,

And they shall be as frontlets

Between your eyes.  You shall write

Them on the doorposts of your

House and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 NKJV

I urge you to become a Salmon Family, and swim hard against the flow.  If you will do it, and do so consistently, I am certain you will Do Well.  Next week we will examine another aspect of going against the cultural flow and becoming a Salmon Family.